It's been awhile..

I haven't blogged in awhile. Is it because I have lacked discipline in my regiment? Oh probably! :)
I'm here now, that's all that matters.
I have been struggling to get a routine going with my Crossfit. I was Paleo for almost 2 full weeks then I cracked under the pressure when my husband came home from work and kissed me and I could smell chocolate! How dare he eat chocolate without bringing me some ;) that smell of chocolate sent me on a 3 day "eat what you want and suffer' binge :) I am a food addict..I can no longer dress it up in a strapless dress and parade it around for something it is not. Oh I loathe being a food addict.
I just finished reading a wonderful blog about body image and crossfit. The writer is 30 years old and talking about growing old and body changes ..as I approach my 46th birthday ..oyve!!! talk about mental gymnastics to maintain some semblance of sanity during the aging process!
I didn't want to write about the aging process though..not yet..I'm still processing it ;)
I wanted to write about being a food addict..accepting it
It no longer is about weight ..it's about the emotional roller coaster food sends me on. As I approach menopause and the changing hormones and being more in touch with my body due to crossfit --the difference food makes to my emotional well being is unavoidable..I can't ignore it anymore. It's night and day..it's the difference between my husband working in the garage or locking himself up in his much desired panic room during that time of the month ;)
When I eat clean (Paleo) there is a small speed bump in the road during my Moon time--when I consume processed food and white death ..oh white death ...well, it's a 6.9 on the Richter scale--trust me not pretty.
So, why then do I do it? why does an alcoholic swear he won't drink today but then by 5 pm he's had his third drink with no end in sight--because I am an addict.
Just for today I will eat clean..if I live like that..the days will add up and I can jump over the bump instead finding myself alone at the end of the day after alienating everyone :)

Just for today

So far...

I know I haven't written in awhile..I suppose it is because I have been so bloody emotional and being a good Scots woman..we loath showing emotions. Never underestimate your heritage is what I say!
It all started on a 2nd baseline workout for the 30 day challenge-'-it was Crossfit total. Shoulder Press, Back squat and deadlift--max effort!
During my shoulder press I had hit my wall..55 lbs and I couldn't get it up--all of a sudden I hear cheering and rooting..I realize it is the people in the gym all cheering for me to push that weight up--it felt like forever but I did it! tears filled my eyes and I was completely overwhelmed..I looked at my husband and he had tears in his eyes--(you think Scots are stoic..ha! German's take the cake) I was so emotional --I have never had that kind of experience in my life. My trainer came up to me and said "That was sheer willpower !"

On about day 5 of this challenge I woke up very emotional and it hasn't really left. I have used food my whole life to change how I feel. Food has been the one constant for me. I just didn't realize that Crossfit would heal me at such a deep level.
I read a book that changed my life about 12 years ago ..The Anatomy of the Spirit by Carolyn Myss--she talked about how we carry our biography in our bodies--I made many changes in my life after reading that book. I became a Reiki Master--I worked with healing energy. I have engaged in therapy ..workshops..seminars..and yes, they were very healing!
But..crossfit has reached in deeper..between the Paleo diet and 5 workouts it feels like the past is being pushed up through my tissue, muscles,,sinew ..purging from deep within...pain leaving my body for the first time in my life.
I focused on healing my mind, my spirit..my emotional life and have neglected my physical body..cut myself off from it as any good child of abuse would..now..I feel so free--it's very difficult to articulate. The healing I am feeling is so profound.
I am on day 8 of the challenge and I'm looking forward to releasing my past through my body. Trust me, this is not a cowards way to do it..I dig deep on a daily basis to continue. I want a different life..I want a healed life! I want to experience physical health and fitness for the first time in my 45 years.

I'm ready...bring it on!

Here I come!!!!

Made a HUGE decision two days ago..a life altering decision!
I volunteered to be in a 30 day study with my gym..this is what it looks like:
What's Required

• 100% Compliance with the Whole 30 Program, exactly as outlined starting Monday, November 8th, 2010
• Keeping a Journal for the duration of the study to log all workouts and meals
• Completion of the Baseline WODs on Thursday, November 4th and Saturday, November 6th, 2010 (alternate dates can be arranged)
• Attendance at all Monday, Wednesday & Friday Strength WODs
• Completion of 2 additional WODs per week: Tuesday & Thursday
• Missed WODs may be completed during any Open Gym time

I did not make this decision lightly. I knew it would require all my commitment. I could get a week of clean eating in but never more than that. So, after giggling and wanting to puke--Karl and I kicked up our membership to full..we were in the Foundations class--now we are in the big kids class ;)
I was so nervous going for my baseline WOD last night. I still scale just about everything ;)
Then when we arrived at the gym..it was the dreaded Chelsea ..oyve! 5 pull-ups, 10 push-ups and 15 air squats every minute on the minute then onwards for ..get this....for 30 freakin' minutes!
OMG!!!!!
Well, I choose jumping pull ups on a 28 in box and my push-ups were knee with bands

Bonnie's Chelsea Result - beyond the whiteboard

www.beyondthewhiteboard.com

16.844 rounds | Not Rx'd on 2010-11-04

 

Not too bad eh? ;) I was pretty proud of myself ..in case you are wondering..that is 248 squats! wow

 

So, I'm all in --30 days!

I'm very excited :)

stay tuned....

Another tear shed...

Another tear shed in the name of Crossfit

before I tell you why I cried--last Friday I did it again--I ran 1 k without stopping!! Yeah ha! it wasn't just a fluck!
I just keep feeling stronger and stronger!
My food hasn't been very Paleo though--I have been struggling with the 'comfort foods'
I think the combination of Luigi's death and not losing 'lbs' on the scale sent me into a wee bit of a tailspin. I had a very deep and healing conversation with Karl about it and at the end --with a huge exhale he said "welcome back baby" and that is how I feel--I'm back! The dark cloud that was over me seems to have lifted! I'm sooo grateful!

Now, back to the tears-
This time it's different..I didn't cry during or after a workout--I cried before a workout!
Why?

I will tell you why--I found out right at bedtime on Sunday night that my trainer was leaving the gym I attend to focus on another gym--oh! it gets worse..I found out on facebook! he broke up with me on facebook!
I really struggled with my emotions! John has been so influential to me--such a strong supporter and fantastic coach! I will miss him so very much!
K and I talked about moving to gym that is closer to us and changing our workout times to the morning-6 AM so we can have our evenings back. Ski season is coming soon and I want to make sure I have some evenings available for skiing.

We will wait a couple of weeks to make a final decision.

Last night I deadlifted 95lbs -woohoo! I feel so strong today! I can't believe how much my body is changing
It's incredible!

1st Milestone Achieved!!

On the heals of my scale disappointment..I pushed myself to go to Crossfit last night and are you ready for this..

are you sitting down?.....
ready to cheer?..

I ran my 1 k without having to stop!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh my God! and shaved off 11 seconds..7 min 47 sec
I dreamed my whole life of running..I did it!!
When I started CF 2 months ago I could run 50 m without stopping and having to walk about 100-200 m before I could run again.
I am so stoked about running my 1 k without stopping.

I had warmed up and John told Karl to time me doing a K and told him to not let me stop..I laughed at him thinking he was high ;)
I decided to pace myself and focus on my breathing ..made it 400 m..the most I had ever been able to go without stopping and kept going..another 400...wow..then ...I made it back to the gym!
I howled so loud

I'm still high today from it!
Who cares what the scale says....I ran 1 k without stopping!
My other goals:
non assisted push up
a pull up assisted ..then a pull up

I LOVE Crossfit!!!

When disappointment rides in..

I jump on and go for the ride!!!
I finally did it...I had my husband dig out the scale! Convinced I must be down atleast 15 lbs! (I'm so delusional at times) I wanted to weigh myself.
So, off came the house coat in the kitchen ..I could hear drums in my head..on I climbed.....more drum rolling...
and....

nothing..no weight change at all!
How is that even possible????
Down 2 sizes..feeling stronger...no weight change..
you guessed it...
I cried

Well, Karl talked me down and my trainer told me muscle is 22% heavier

The disappointment kept sweeping over me throughout the day..
Then, last night I ate brown rice pasta (albeit a small serving) and 2 slices of brown bread :(
It wasn't so much what I ate but why I ate it. I ate because of emotions..not hunger.
Obviously I still have work to do ..it's a day at a time around food for me.

I'm not beating myself up today--it's a new day
A new Crossfit day

Tonight is workout night
The Crossfit Gods and Goddesses have my back!

Look Ma! I'm on top of the world!

I realize it has been a few weeks since I blogged. I have been attending Crossfit 3x per week and recently switched my diet to Paleo (with occasional Dairy--ok..cheese--Gawddd cheese is so hard to give up)
John said I would notice a difference in ability if I were to eat paleo--not sure if I have yet.
I know that eating meat has been a wee bit difficult for me after being a vegetarian for 8 months (for ethical reasons) I'm still not eating chicken. I want to lose 70 lbs in total --not sure how much I have lost since the scale is still hidden :) I'm running out of clothes though..:)

I watched a video this morning:
  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSqXM0W8tRk&feature=player_embedded

It motivated me so much! I wonder if I will ever do a WOD (work out of the Day) without it being scaled.
I bump into that thinking all the time--it is truly disastrous for me to think that way. This past Sunday I hiked the Dorset WaterTower trail (very steep incline) halfway up as I was panting I hit that old familiar wall--it sounds something like this:
"What the F*** are you thinking..you are fat and 45 ..why do you embarrass yourself like this?" it goes on if I don't stop it..I usually cry around that point.
I wonder what that is about..I have been reflecting and have not figured it out 'yet' I know the sense of accomplishment I feel afterwards it beyond yummy--:)
When I hit the top of the hill I looked at how steep the stairs to the top of the water tower were and how many there were..yowsaaaa!!
I have a horrid fear of heights. We were about to hike down the trail when I decided to do what I was afraid of and headed towards those stairs --I did it! all the way to the top!
I was shaking and exhilarated all at the same time. I wasn't out of breath :) (Thank you Crossfit)
When John told me that Crossfit will strengthen my mind I didn't understand at first..I am beginning to--
Failure is NOT an option--Never Give Up!

Here's to not failing and doing what you are afraid of!